Added: Mitcheal Cowley - Date: 25.02.2022 06:01 - Views: 23792 - Clicks: 4021
Before you can post or reply in these forums, please our online community. the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak. I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married. I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always been How do i tell my husband i want to separate closed off to his emotions. Since the beginning I felt rejected and alone when he wouldn't talk to me.
After we had our first child I asked him to come to marriage counselling, but he refused. I think it was then I started to shut him out the way I had always felt shut out by him. That was 8 years ago. He finally agreed to counselling about 2yrs ago but I feel like it's only scratched the surface. I've asked him to do extra reading or even his own therapy but he refuses. Intimacy is also a problem. The idea of having sex with him makes me so anxious I feel physically ill. I've read about sexless marriage, but I know my husband wouldn't handle that. Sex is very important to him.
I don't know how to feel connected to him anymore. I don't think I want to. I dream of asking him for a separation, but how? And it seems too cruel to ask my husband to move out. Should I stay until the kids are adults and waste another 10yrs of both of our lives? The alternative is to break my husband's heart and break up my family. But staying is just adding more layers to my resentment and I'm scared I'll end up hating him.
Has anyone been through anything like this? I need to take some action, because I can't stay in limbo. I'm not living just existing.
I relate to some of the things you are saying and I know, it's a tough call. You don't want to rock the boat in case things can be improved within the relationship but meanwhile, not much changes. Now I'm not suggesting you do this but, when my wife said 'I don't think we can keep going like this', that was enough for me to get help and start on some recovery for the things I had ignored for so long.
It's great that you are seeing a counselor and perhaps you can talk to them about separation, you probably have what opportunities are left to get your hubby to the table and how to make that happen. Perhaps hubby doesn't realize how seriously this is affecting you? You say you want to take action, is that something you can do within the relationship? Can you start doing the things that you would like to do, or at least some of them, without your husband? Show him that you are just going to get on with it, whether he is coming or not.
I guess we have to weigh up the pros and cons. By the way, it sounds like you have given much care and compassion to your relationship, you have made many compromises for the sake of your family, you should be proud of that, not sad. And here you are, still on the track, trying to improve things, well done to you, now and then take How do i tell my husband i want to separate satisfaction from knowing that you haven't let up.
The fun activities sounds good, maybe you could try that again but smaller steps, keep at it. Does he understand that having a greater connection might lead to a better sex life? I guess he would feel sad that there is an issue with connection but he obviously isn't currently ready to work on that head on. Oh wow, I can relate to pretty much everything you have said.
But I do understand the aloneness you feel. And I have started doing more things on my own or with friends for my own mental health, but it only makes me too aware of the fact I have more fun without him. Thanks so much Jack for saying I should be proud of still trying to improve things.
I've had low self esteem, which made me believe I didn't have the right to ask him to make changes. Now that my self-image has improved and I'm standing up for myself more, maybe it's too hard for him to handle. I also fear I might use alcohol as a way to escape the tension, because having a couple of glasses of wine does relax me.
Addiction runs in my family tho so that scares me a lot. I even mentioned my fear to him and he said I was overreacting. I might be craving space from him but never from my children. I feel like on one hand he is pushing me away while at the same time he's accusing me of running.
I feel like nothing I do is right and I'm mentally exhausted from trying to figure it all out. I am very romantic at heart and my husband is a very simple man. Day and night he just bags about his work, his life! I feel so lonely and tried to find work but not getting any despite having two post-graduate degrees.
It feels like as if my life is doomed. Thanks Geoff your words are very kind and helpful. Communication has totally broken down and that is a big deal for me, even if he would rather put his head in the sand and hope it all blows over. I am trying to take care of myself but it's so hard to imagine putting my own needs ahead of my kids and even my husband. I've always put everyone else first, didn't realise I was such a people pleaser until recently, but it turns out i am and very susceptible to the slightest suggestion I'm not being a 'good' person because of it.
Had a bad weekend when I felt so happy that husband left the house on Saturday night and I had the place to myself just me and the kids and it was so relaxing. Sunday when it was all 4 of us again I drank a bit too much because I couldn't stand how sad I felt. Then last night up with insomnia, feeling miserable and sleeping on the couch because I can't even stand listening to him breathe next to me when the sadness grips me. I feel like a terrible person even if I tell myself I'm not times.
I know I can't go on like this and I think it is a matter of working out the ins and outs of how a separation works now, not just wondering if How do i tell my husband i want to separate should do it. This situation is making me mentally and physically unhealthy with stress, I'm over medicating with alcohol and overeating too. But I'm heartbroken. I never understood how hard it was to wrestle with a decision like this I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hi MiaM I'm so sorry you are struggling with the same issues. It is very hard and I sympathise. I hope you do continue to look for work as having that bit of independence can be very comforting.
I know despite my only being in part time admin work that is a bit boring and not best use of my degree that having a job helps me stay engaged with the world outside what is going on at home. It helps to have some work friends to talk to as well, so even if you are willing to apply for some things that don't require your post grad education it might be worth it for you emotionally. It's not fair but sometimes after we have kids we have to chose flexibility over job satisfaction and things like that just another thing I've had to come to terms with myself, that I gave up what could have been a lucrative career to raise the kids while hubs has benefited to the point he earns decent money which I can never do now If your husband is a good father he will always be in your child's life no matter what happens with you 2.
Perhaps now is the time to push him to attend counselling. I wish I had pushed harder 10yrs ago when he first refused because I think the time for saving us passed sometime around then. I wouldn't recommend you wait and just hope things get better on their own as I've done.
Make sure your husband knows how badly you need to address your issues now, as they won't get better with time. Take it from someone who knows. Thank you so much GoodWitch for posting this thread. I have felt like such an ungrateful malcontent for feeling I wanted more from my marriage than I was getting, I have felt like this for years now but have lacked the courage to do anything about it. I, too, have been married for a long time 30 years and have 2 wonderful children. I recently became a grandmother and, to anyone looking from the outside, I seem to have a wonderful life.
But I feel so lonely and depressed. My husband is a lovely man but we haven't been intimate for around How do i tell my husband i want to separate years and I feel I have changed a lot where he seems to have stayed much the same. Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful comments in this thread - its comforting just to talk sometimes because I don't really have anyone to talk to at the moment. Thanks for sharing your story Geoff - it must have been hard to make the break but you were very brave.
All the very How do i tell my husband i want to separate GoodWitch and if you need someone to talk to about this more I would be more than happy to help. Once upon a time, ten years ago, I was where you are now. I cannot advise you whether to stay or to depart, that is your decision. I can, however, regale you on what happened for me. For the sake of my children, and their happiness, I chose to stay. I did everything I could think of to try and make the marriage work, but in hindsight I was only delaying the inevitable. She refused to open up, to share any of her inner feelings.
She used to say, "If you haven't worked it out by now, then you haven't been paying attention. Also, how come she never tried to connect to my feelings? Anyhow, some six years down the road, we split up. But the most interesting thing is that my kids had been waiting for us to do just that.
And, that they are now 'happy' that she is gone. At one time, after we split up, there was a possibility that we might get back together, and the kids were horrified of that. My advice to you is to write a list of all the reasons why you would stay and all the reasons why you would leave. And, only stay, so long as the reasons to stay outweigh the reasons to leave. You may also want to start squirreling away some savings in an that he's unaware of. Hint: only ever bank spare "cash", as then there is no chance of a transfer being asked about.
If everything works out, years down the road, you will have the money for a big family holiday. If not, then you have what you need to help you re-start your life.
I don't like recommending people have secrets in marriages, but in this instance I think it will behoove you to keep this one. Thank you everyone for your kind advice and support. It helped a lot to be able to post my story here warts and all and be accepted. I have an update. It is thanks to my post here that I found the strength to write all this out for my husband in a letter. I realised that whenever we try to talk face to face his first reaction is defensiveness, then blame and heightened emotion from both of us and it all disintegrates.
So I thought writing it was my only option. I left the letter for him and went away for 2 days so he could absorb it. I knew that the only response I could live with would be 'I see that you are right and I apologise.
I want to make it up to you', but I figured I was reaching for the stars and I had better start looking for a place to rent. To my utter shock his response was positive and heartfelt. He admits he has done many things wrong and actually started to talking to me about his feelings! I'm in shock, in a good way, although I am still very tentative about it. But we have had a couple of good long chats since the weekend and I haven't felt like a drink at all.How do i tell my husband i want to separate
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How do I tell my husband/wife/partner that I want to separate?